Illusion

Do not hold a heart hostage
With the lies you tell yourself
Secrets are a cruelty
Not a kindness

Bleach

Your name is a stain in my heart 

No matter how much I bleach

I can’t remove the memory 

Sanguine

When does the guilt end
For not bleeding myself dry

Peeling

Frantically I pulled the wallpaper
Chunks of curled despair
Flung them onto the floor
Pulse racing
Thoughts bumbled
After that night
How on earth could you not see
That life wasn’t for me?

Fences

Liquid emotions
Can't be contained by
Fences

Inevitable

Holding my breath

Eyes open to what I am stepping into

I’ll let you hurt me

Because you make my heart feel real

I can’t title this one the way I want to

Before sunrise
I let it slip
A thought clanging inside my head
A phrase my sober words keep
Locked up
It feels foolish
But just might be true
People don’t understand
Why I hold this spot for you
Why I’d let you
Touch my heart
The truth is you live under my skin
You never stopped
I can bury
Ignore
But you linger
I’ve built you a shelter in my chest
A place where I secretly wait for you to
Come home

Multiple Choice

You expected me to act like you were the answer
When you treated me like an option

Summer Tide

You bathed in my comforting warmth
A stiff pillar of barricaded cold
Like the support beam of an ocean pier
At high tide in an August southern sea

Wild One

When the shine wears off
From what lured you into that cage
Will you admit you miss freedom?

You Can't Say Those Kinds of Things to Me

Words reaching under my rib cage
Grasping a fistful of heart
Each
Beat
Beat Beat
Pumping bloody emotions
Run down your arm

That is the kind of love that I want

Kisses on swing sets after dark
Baking cookies that we can't get quite right
Rolling in laughter on the living room floor
Distracting nude photos during work hours
Making stories out of images we find in textured ceilings
Flowing energy like a fountain
Watching each other more than the fireworks
Sharing bathtubs and syncing breaths
Full moon rituals in the grass at midnight
Holding hands through the airport
Dancing in a summer rain storm
Taking pumpkin carving contests too seriously
Tent camping in the backyard
Making out at the drive-in movie theater
Bearing souls on lakeside walks
Taking community center bachata lessons
Drawing magic marker tattoos on each other
Hopping in the car and driving until we reach the ocean
Feeling electricity when our skin brushes
Writing lunchbox love letters
Wresting for the remote that turns into fucking
Sharing secrets underwater at pool parties
Tears met with enveloping arms
Bringing picnics to the star park
Every day adventures

electricity

The lights in my house flicker
When I think of you too much

Home

I can picture it in my mind
Sunlight streaming in kissing my amethyst
White hearthstone
Laughter and warmth climbing the walls
Fresh apples, perfectly ripe
A splash of color on a clean table
Floating like a feather into bed
Pink skies outside my windows
Wrapped in comfort
I am home

Heart to Heart

Emotions are a flood with you
Late night parking lots
My tear streaming face
Months of disconnecting
I cannot stop the flow
These words from my core

ROI

All that time, attention, and love
spent on people who refused to
see the value you hold
What if you invested that energy
into building yourself?

I Will Not Burn Alone

I'm through with wasting my fire
On hearts that cannot ignite
Rise up in flames
Meet my inferno

Diamonds

Darling, your soul is made of diamonds
Don’t let anyone’s dirty fingers
Dull your sparkle

Shift

I feel the power in me rise
A wave of pink light growing
Pulling from the earth around me
Lifting me into my proper place
I stopped clinging to chains
Let go of what held me down
The universe responded
She knows what I hold
I am aloft on a throne of self-love

Knots

The stomach ache from that night
It won’t leave my insides
Sometimes it’s dull
Hurts a little less
But it’s twisted up in knots
I am still full of your poison

Exchange

If I am honest
The energy was never
An even exchange

I always walk away drained

All I Can Do is Write

My head is filled with words
And my heart is leaking sorrow

When You're in My Dreams

Waking at midnight
Disoriented in a sweat
Jumping from my skin
Like I missed a moment
Something important

Living on Somedays

Liquid fire heart
Heavy blanket love
Dark buried roots
Spotlight in the sun
Tangle of growth
Hurricane life
Fragile hope

She will find a home someday.

Jungle

Traversing the way back to myself
Overgrown with emotion
Cutting away
Tangled vines of need
Thorny branches of want
I see my old footprints here
Knowing where I need to walk
I am still clearing my path

Storyteller

The narrative
I followed
Hesitant but
Blindfolded
Swept up in your tale
I let your words
Lead me into
A realm of fantasy
Pure
Fiction

watch your step

I lost my footing
My gaze too far ahead
I'm in the aftermath
Skinned knees
Bruised pride
I stumbled on my path

Sadness

My chest feels heavy
Like a lump in my throat
Sunken deeper into me
Breathing is a labor
Moving in slow motion
I can't tell if my heart still beats

I miss good mornings

Birdsongs and morning light

Awakening to a new day

It takes a few seconds 

Then I remember 

Another day to focus on 

Moving on 

Building up

Learning to be alone 

nocturnal

I fear that I’m a flower
Who can only bloom
In solitary darkness

Careful

I am so careful
Not to say things I don’t mean
Sometimes I neglect to verbalize
All the things I do

Get Out, Please

I'm so tired of space in my brain
Being occupied with your presence
What else do I have to do to evict you?

Moth

Darkness but in warmth
I called upon you 
Guidance 
Meditation 
Help me find my path 
I lost myself along the way 
Doubt in my belly 
Chaos in my crown 
I felt you 
Moth that brushed my hand
Ancestor warriors 
Pushing me 
Look beyond these branches 
Don’t settle 
You’re meant for the sky 

Bomber

Love bomb
Compliment
Attention
Idealize
Mirror
Peaks
Reality
Devalue
Gas-lighting
Manipulation
Time bomb

That's what Love is to Me

I wanted you to choose me
To be the one you wanted
Desired
Not out of need
Whole entities independently
But joined together
Hand in hand
Rising
Lifting each other
Into light

Do you even know yourself?

You told me you were wild
You wanted to be loved
For who you are
As you are

I tried to give you that
Unwavering acceptance
Our independence
Freedom

In the space for growth
My heart grew softer
Hope in me rose
Possibilities

Then you chained yourself
Tied to these expectations
Former identity in
Opposition

Overachiever

Sometimes I feel I'm suffocating
Under the weight
Of my own unfulfilled expectations

mel·an·chol·y

I am a
Heart-shaped stone
Sunken emotion
Drowned in the
Bottom of a well

Reminder

Rain cools my fire
Standing resolute
Face to the sky
Open to the wisdom
A reminder:
I am the lightning storm

Fan

The connection can be kept

At least on your end

You've got the same access

As everyone else in the crowd

I'll keep on shining

Magic flowing out of me

You're free to soak it in

Like all the other fans

Dissociation

Are these experiences
Why it's so often
Nothing seems real
Emotions floating outside of me
Mind living in its own realm
I feel disconnected
From my body
Away from what it's seen
Violations of the past

California - Part 4

The morning I woke up horrified
You next to me in that bed
I acted in survival mode
You couldn't read it
How my skin fucking crawled
When you'd touch me
I even let you kiss me
Walk me through the airport
Your eyes clouded with what you'd done
Like that's what you think love is
When I think of it I still get sick
Even all these years later
I shudder

California - Part 3

The blackout took so much of that evening
I suppose I should be grateful
The flashes of memory I have
Sobbing in your car
Parking in the towaway zone
Laying down to sleep
Spinning out of my mind
Coming into blips of consciousness
You inside my body

California - Part 2

My foolish, forgiving heart
Wanted a goodbye that wasn't
Sour and uncomfortable
If you could be the person I'd seen you as
When I was your confidant
I thought those I love you's were true
A statement of our friendship
Not a trap for my guilt
I should not have given you the chance
For that I blame myself

California - Part 1

I let your lips touch mine out of obligation
Bowed to your expectation
You claimed you felt so much for me
And I was guilty of vast indifference toward you
Your hands wandered
I told you
No
Over
Over
Over again
I left your car because you insisted
You just couldn't help yourself
I'd learn how much soon after

Fourteen

Cornered in that airport lounge
Leather and fuel in the air
Though some pieces are faded
That feeling still lives in my gut
Pinned down
Unwilling and scared
Pressured
Walking away violated
Sick with fear and
That horrible taste in my mouth
Yet it seemed too normal
Ordinary almost
A milestone in budding sexuality
Is that not what it's supposed to look like?

Sister

You knew what was happening
Made it into a joke that you snickered at
Teased me for it like a naughty secret

Maybe that's why I never really feel safe
Why I will always be my own protector
A lesson I learned at four years old

Faucet

The flow of your words into my head
A faucet
Sometimes dripping slowly
Sometimes on full blast
We've twisted the knobs to off
The final drops evaporating
I'm getting used to this dry phase but
I can't help but feel parched

It is what it is

I don't know when you let go
But I won't try to scrape together
Remnants of affection
Forcing things has never gone well for me
Though I don't want to stop
I will not cling
But I don't think we ever gave
Enough kindling
And our spark never grew into full fire

Backfired

I wrote to you last night
Meandering through these hallways
Sorting through what lingers
I tried to convince myself of apathy
That anchor didn't hold
My thoughts still drifted into memories
I betrayed myself this time
Sent my energy to you
Through the cosmos and connection
Wishing that I'd enter your dreams
I put you into mine