Hope

The hope that’s left in me
Is like a baby bird
Fallen from the nest
When your hands cradle it
You feel that what you hold is
Shaking and unsure and
So
Fucking
Fragile

Fingertips

You talked about our fingertips
Reaching for each other
Our outstretched arms
Over the vast distance
We create around ourselves

Over time I will inch closer
Curl my fingers into yours
Take your hand with both of mine
Pull it into my chest
Wrap my arms around it

So you can feel my heartbeat

And
I hope the rest of you will follow
That my heart's percussion song
Makes me the pied piper
Which leads your body close to mine
Because

I want to feel yours too

Greatest Hits

It’s okay
I don’t mind
I understand
I get it
It’s fine
I’ll be alright
It makes sense

(the bricks that built my walls)

You’re still planted in me

I’ll never understand
How you could let your roots
Tangle so deeply in mine
Take hold in the darkest places
Clinging to the cold soil

But you never wanted
To climb above them
See a colorful bloom
Open petals in the warmth
And feel the sunlight for yourself

Don't Call Me Babe

I don't want to be
another ghost
scribbled on your list

I will not be added to
the body count
in your graveyard

I need a name which
sticks to memories
that I bury in your heart

I'll own the taste
that fills your mouth
when you have to say it

But You Won’t

I would let you in again 

If I believed you’d try 

If you asked me to 

If I could tell myself 

If I could make myself believe 

That I ever really
Mattered 
To you. 

Rationed Affection

She was never mine to begin with
But that doesn’t make the sting any less

I asked for her attention 
She measured it and portioned it

I had to ask every time

It was relegated to after midnight 
In secret away from all eyes

I wanted to ask for her love

But she pushed my heart away

Closed in on herself or so she says

Raw

I will crack open my sternum
Expose my true heart
Bloody, beating, and raw

Bloom

I put myself in a room with no windows
To protect myself from the unknown
Comfortable but cold and sterile

I wondered why I never felt grounded
Even on the most solid foundation
And why I could not bloom

I clawed my way out of that room
Put my feet bare into the soil
Learned to let the sun shine on my face

My roots took the risk to uncoil
To feel their way into darkness of the unfamiliar
And my petals have begun to unfurl

Tattoo

An artificial heart

I've been called cold

An emotional robot
My outside is hard
At times I feel fundamentally broken 

But from inside this hard heart

There is life
Growth  
It's still thorny and twisting
But the vines reach out and upward
Wanting to continue growth 
Seeking light in a higher place

The banner says "Persevere"
I am not an easy person to really know
I don't give myself freely
The walls are thick
I'm constantly struggling to keep myself 
From rebuilding them
Positioned in a place that's not plainly visible 
My message to others and also 
A reminder to myself
Keep trying
Inside the cold, hard exterior
There is something alive

I come off as detached
But the disconnect happens as 
A result of self preservation 
I distance myself 
I am constantly filled with a mix of 
Conflicting emotions
Self doubt in my right to have them
That my own feelings are not valid 
I am resistant to sharing them
Apathy often wins this internal battle
Protection 

I'm aware 
It's too difficult for most people
It's a lot to ask
I try my best to be kind, understanding, caring
It's hard for me being so driven by 
A protectionist instinct
And deep down
I don't know if I believe 
I am worth the effort.  

More

She sees through my walls like panes of glass
Her eyes in the sunlight
Warm honey with a glaze of emerald

She is a package stamped with fragile 
But tied up, entangled in frayed string and twine
Perfectly flawed, a manicured mess

She is patience and I am indulgence
Glances and stares that define longing
Smirks and smiles betray us

She is electricity
My skin aware of her presence 
Like the air before a summer lightning storm

She is a labyrinthine novel
Captivating by the first chapter
With pages dog-eared by careless readers

She knows the clock will not cooperate
Time is the current of a subterranean river
From this height I don't even see the ground

She brings the end I don't have strength for
When I am grasping at her coat
Always hoping for a few more moments

Too Warm

My love is a heavy blanket

Thick and soft

Enveloping and entangling

Velvet

Some people only want to sleep

Under a light sheet

They overheat

They don’t want the weight

He folded me long ago

Left me at the foot of the bed

Sitting neaty, untouched

She claimed to need warmth

But she kicked off the covers

Left me in a pile on the hard floor

You

You’re so tactile

You seemed to like my textures

But you run hot

And I am afraid

That I’ll be too warm

Rearranged

Every day is like rearranged furniture
some days I stub my toe
or hurt myself
on sharp unfamiliar corners

There are days when I am locked out
and I don't mind being patient
waiting at the door
to be let in again

Days when I don't have the strength to do much
but stand at the threshold because
I just want to make sure
it's still there

I like adventure
of getting to know each piece
learning how to navigate the hard edges
and find the soft places