Resolute

I wander back to that day
Sitting on your front deck
My floral skirt in the breeze
Watching you cook us dinner on the grill
Nothing but birdsong on the wind
Sinking into that moment with every fiber
A foolish grin
It couldn't leave my face

That's what is so hard to pry from my grasp
Why I can't seem to heal from this
How I knew I had never felt that way
Like a moment from a dream
So perfect it seemed unreal
I felt unworthy of that joy
And so it seems I was

I want to forgive myself of this
Bitterness
Wrestling with my mind
Whether I am justified
Spitting poison among my tears
Letting my wounds speak for me
Arrows in my heart
Black and blue and red all over

I'm still upset
No matter how many times I tell myself
It's time to be over it
My memory betrays my determination
I convince myself  I am resolute
But I am a liar too
Just like you