Six Months

Six months
Six-motherfucking-months
It's been six months
Since you came barreling into my life
I wrote about it
How you hit me like a freight train
That I was excited for once
How you could be something good
I knew you'd have impact

Scared the whole time
I kept my silence
When I should've let the words out
Tried to bend myself
Be the cool girl
Who was okay with whatever
Even when I was hurting

I lost myself in you
You flooded me
In ways I'd never known
I tried to cling to the buoy of
Practicality
Knowing you'd drown me
Once I let go
Because I saw all the bodies floating
Capsized hearts from your past

And you did
You did
You did
You did
Added me to that mass grave
Another broken woman
Onto your body count

I hate it
That I wonder
If I had been more open
Spoken up
Been more demanding
Or if I hadn't put on the mask
Trying to keep up
Prove my worth
Pouring gasoline on my wildfire
Instead of watering you
If that would've made any difference

My stomach still isn't right
Hasn't been since that night in Columbus
When I sobbed in the bathtub
Bewildered by the changes in you
I couldn't understand
Why
Why
Why you'd been so different
Why you'd treat me that way
Why

More than anything
I hate that I live with this ghost
Unable to go even a day
Without your presence in my head
Your name on my lips too frequently
I am so goddamn tired of it

There are deep tangled cords
I've tried and failed to cut
I want to be untied
The way we talked about
What you called telepathy
Do you ever feel my energy?
Because it betrays me
Like my soul seeks yours
Without my consent
And in all honesty

I miss you

So fuck you for that